I Am Not My Body...

**CAUTION**LONG POST AHEAD**
This post is probably going to be quite personal. However, I feel a need to write down how I feel so I can sort it all out-and of course what better place to do this than on a blog (for everyone to see) right?! I alway find things easier to dissect when they're written down. So, here it goes...

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. And when I say my ENTIRE life I truly mean, my ENTIRE life. I first remember going to weight watchers when I was 5 years old. I realize obesity in children these days is very common, but we are talking 25 years ago--when it wasn't so common. I don't recall that my parents filled the house with unhealthy snacks--if there were any snacks at all. My Dad was a graduate student and worked when he could, my mom was a school teacher, and they had three young children. They simply couldn't afford "junk food" back then. So how was a little 5 year old girl in a position to go to weight watchers already?

I spent my youth overweight, always self conscious, and always dreaming of a time when I could go to the store and find a cute outfit that fit perfectly, instead of shopping in the Women's Section. As if adolescence isn't hard enough right? Remember when Phen-Fen was on the market. It was a weight loss drug that was "the big thing" but it was only out for a short time. The FDA found serious side effects with it. When I was 15 I went to a "specialist" who was able to get me approved to take Phen-Fen. It was still fairly experimental and only offered to adults. So, at 15 I started this drug. And of course all in between these years I tried so hard to loose weight. I would find all these "miracle" diets and go on them--faithfully! I remember going on the cabbage soup diet, the fruit only diet (I ate so much pineapple on that my mouth bled for a week!), Atkins, starvation, etc. etc. The Phen-Fen may have helped me drop "a few pounds" but it made me a crazy person. Seriously it had some mental side effects for me. And it didn't matter, I wasn't on it too long before it was no longer available to me.

I was the brunt of many cruel and mean jokes because of my weight. I remember going on a trip for a week to The Isle of Man with several other classmates. I had no friends on the trip, and was often watched and mocked as we ate dinner. Needless to say, I ate very little during that week.

Changing High Schools twice and having two brothers who did not have weight issues--my other brother was alway tall and skinny, and my younger brother was a wrestler and in VERY good shape from all his activities, made me feel even worse about myself. I grew up with very little self esteem--despite my very supportive family.

My Senior year in high school (I HATED high school) was a turning point for me. I topped out at I think 320 pounds. I know many many people thought, and probably still think, and may think even reading this, that I was one of those girls who sat at home eating ice cream and potato chips all day long. That is NOT what I did, but I don't really feel like I have to explain myself at this point. Simply put, gaining weight, losing weight, feeling comfortable in my own skin has always been a trial for me.
So, at age 18 after lots of leg work, and Dr. appointments, and psychiatrists and nutritionists, etc, I was approved to have the gastric bypass surgery. FINALLY, something that might work for me.

I had surgery March 25 1999, during Spring Break of my Senior Year of high school. I wasn't quite 18 yet. Though I was so overweight, I was also very busy. I attended early morning seminary of course, and had school, and I worked probably close to 25 hours a week or more.

I had some complications after the surgery, but nothing too major, though it sure felt like it sometimes! However, a year or so after the surgery I was down a good 100 pounds or so, and I felt awesome! I continued to loose weight, though not as rapidly. Gastric Bypass not only makes your stomach smaller, but changes the way your body burns and uses calories. I feel to this day, this was the only option for me.

I left home and went to college, and I probably gained a few pounds back unfortunately. Weight Loss Surgery is a tool, not a cure all for the rest of your life.

Shortly after that, I left on a mission, where thanks to wanting to sleep more than eat if at all an option, walking or running at least 10 if not 15 miles a day, having to be very cautious about the food I ate, since many things did not agree with me still, along with being VERY careful not to get into the habit of eating the delicious pastries etc. I lost about 50 more pounds in that 18 months. I truly felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Well, not completely I guess. I would have loved to loose another 10 or 15 pounds, and then I would have been happy!

I came home, went back to school, a year later I married Bryant, and slowly the weight started to come on again. I was worried out of my mind. Finally, I went to a doctor and then to a nutritionist, after keeping a detailed food journal and wondering how I was gaining weight. She asked me if I was stressed. At the time, I was in a job that I HATED, and I was sick, physically sick all the time because of how stressful it was on me. She said "did you know stress can cause you to gain weight when nothing in your life--diet and exercise--has changed."

Anyway, I continued to work hard to be healthy. Working out, dieting, etc. I was able to maintain at best for a while. And then I got pregnant with Gracie. I was TERRIFIED of gaining weight. I planned to be one of those women who didn't gain anything, and then when the baby was born I'd be like 15 pounds lighter. I thought it was an excellent plan! But of course, that plan would only work in another universe! I gained like 40 pounds with my first pregnancy--despite my efforts to not! I even had my OB put me on the diet for gestational diabetic patients, but I still gained weight.

My next hope was to nurse the weight off. That's suppose to be the case right? WRONG AGAIN. I couldn't move a pound off of my body while I was nursing. Not a dang pound. It was awful! So, when Gracie was about 9 months old, I quite nursing her, and started a fairly intense workout program. I first started with a couch to 5K program and did three or four 5K's that summer. I joined a gym, got a daycare pass for Gracie, and after a few months joined a personal training group. I worked out 6 days a week for 2 hours a day, HARD workouts.

Thought I felt good for getting into shape, and I ate very healthy, and only 1600-1800 calories a day, I lost minimal weight. I would say I was lucky to have actually lost 10 pounds in 4 months--though my body did get smaller. I dropped at least a clothing size, it was minimal results for how incredibly hard I was working.

And then I got pregnant with Kate. Again, I was terrified that I would gain weight like I did with Gracie. I did gain less weight overall I think, but this time, it was post-pardom. I gained weight nursing Kate. I think this is when the stress induced weight gain comes in again. My Dad was extremely ill, we were moving from Oregon to Boise, Bryant was gone a lot during his first internship especially, we had to budget our money to the penny, I had a 2.5 year old and an infant, we were starting to look at job possibilities, another move was in our future, it was a stressful time.

Again, I had a gym membership and a child care pass, and I went faithfully. I joined weight watchers--it didn't work. I tried the HCG diet (where you only eat 500 calories a day and take this liquid under your tongue)--it didn't work. Though I didn't do the entire month of it, I had a raging headache everyday all day the entire time I was on it. It was more than I could bear some days, so I stopped.

Finally I went to the Dr. and asked him to test my thyroid and anything else that could be a culprit in not seeing any result to my efforts. Of course, he found nothing of significance, however, I have fasted and prayed for help in this area of my life. I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable with myself, and I do feel there are some things going on in my body that I cannot control. I just need to find a Dr. to help me figure it all out.

This summer has been a big one for our family. Bryant graduated for school with his Doctorate (no small feat), and we moved to South East Texas for our first post-school job/career to begin. Instead of being completely immersed in the excitement of the accomplishment that we've made as a family, and for our "life to finally begin" in a way, I have spent much of these special events dodging cameras, and knowing I had to be in some pictures, mentally gearing myself up to being in them, trying to feel like I don't look like a total slob, wondering if everyone that sees me sees what I see in the mirror (which, I'm sure is much worse in my mind than in all actuality, though I know it still looks bad), wondering if anyone would want a "fat" person as a friend in our new home in Texas, and in generally thinking that my entire self worth and the love I get from others is completely dependent on my physical appearance.

I realize this is not how I should feel, and in some ways, quite disturbing. However, I have also come to the conclusion that I have some internal things going on in my body that I have no control over. I don't want my kids to go through what I've been through, and have been pretty particular about healthy eating. Though I don't ban treats all together, I don't usually have a stash of candy or chips or cookies on hand either.

There are some things coming up this year--mostly a wedding in October--that I want so badly to not be self conscious at like I am now. However, I have a husband that loves me, and tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and I have two daughters that love me, and don't care how I look (even at 3 in the morning when it's really scary!), and I have parents and siblings who accept and love me no matter what the number on the scale says. I will be finding some Doctors (probably specialists--I'm pretty sure I have a hormone imbalance causing some of these issues, among other things) to work with. I will get a pass to the gym, and I will go faithfully. I will continue to watch what I eat, and I will hope that something works for me. In the meantime, I need to try and remember that....

I Am Not My Body

And hopefully someday (sooner than later) I will feel comfortable in my own skin. In the meantime, be patient with me--this has been a never ending trial for me, and it's really gotten the best of me lately!