(Kind of) A New Calling...

Well, I don't really know that many people read my blog--which is fine. I mostly have a blog for me. And of course I know a few people that are interested in our lives read it every now and then. So, this blog is mostly for me to just get my feelings out I guess.

First of all, I have to start off my saying, I will NEVER NEVER say No to a calling I am asked to fill at Church unless I have a very good reason to. That being said---I ALWAYS, and I mean A.L.W.A.Y.S. have the same calling. It's in the Primary. Right after I graduated high school, I went to College in California for a year before moving away for college, and I was called...into Primary. I was in that calling until I did move, the following year. Or was it a year and a half. In any event, the only reason I was released was because I was no longer in the ward.

Of course when I was at BYU-Idaho I was in a singles ward where there was no primary. Then I left on a mission, where I couldn't serve in primary. I was home for a year before Bryant and I got married, so again--singles ward=no primary.

Bryant and I may have been married for 3 weeks (maybe only 2 weeks, but it wasn't long) when I got a call from the Bishop. Brand New in our married ward, and brand new married, I was called to be "The Primary President" aka Nursery Leader. Unlike most couples at BYU-Idaho we stayed in our same apartment, so we stayed in the same ward--for 3+ years. And guess who was the "Primary" then ENTIRE 3 years? Yep, that would be me. I didn't get to know anybody in my ward. Even the parents of the kids who I "babysat" every week didn't know my name at the end of the 3 years. I didn't hear announcements about activities, I didn't know about enrichments,I was for all intents and purposes, forgotten about in that ward. I was released right before we moved to Spokane. I was also 9 months pregnant with Gracie.

Then we got to Spokane. Being a Brand New Mom now, and having your husband begin a very demanding Doctorate Program, that neither one of us was prepared for is hard enough. But being Brand New in a ward and having no family or friends around makes it SO much harder. Well, you can guess where I was called--yep, to the Primary. I was called as the Sunbeam teacher to a group of 10+ VERY roudy 3 and 4 year olds. It was a difficult class. And again, I did not really get to meet anyone. Sunday's became a day that I really dreaded. After I had been in the calling 15 months or so I found out I was pregnant with Kate. My pregnancy with Kate was really hard. I was so sick for most of it. There were times I would be in with my large roudy class of 3 and 4 year olds and I would have to run to the bathroom (to throw-up). It was horrible. After enduring another 3-4 months of this calling--sick, I told my Primary President that I just didn't think I could do it anymore. However, it was hard to find anyone willing to take a Primary calling in that ward, so basically I was told to just "suck it up" (in a nice way of course). We moved the end of August--I was in that calling until the week we left. I hope they've released me actually!

In the past 14 months we've been in 4 different wards--which means we've moved 4 times. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old mind you. So I moved with a 2 year old and either pregnant or with a newborn or infant.

I am a stay at home Mom. It's A LOT of hard work. It is a constant 24/7 365 day a year job. You don't get to take Mother's Day off, your birthday, Christmas....you are on call day and night ALL THE TIME. I Love my kids. I would do anything for them. But I can't tell you how much I look forward to Sunday. To have adult conversations. To be uplifted by lessons. To get to know people. It's the only outlet I get.

So, last week you can all guess where I was called to serve right? Yep, again in the Primary. A.G.A.I.N. Don't these Men know that I am home with kids all day everyday? Don't they know that my husband is in their early meetings with them? So, did it cross their mind that besides being with them all day during the week, On Sunday I get to get them up--by myself, Feed them breakfast--by myself, Get both of them and myself ready with hair done and all--by myself, get everything we'll need for church together--by myself, and get to Church with them before 9AM by myself. And then I get to keep them quiet and entertained during Sacrament Meeting (I do get a little help, but Bryant has to count and stuff during Sacrament Meeting too, so some of it is again, by myself), and now I get to go deal with a group of 5-6 year olds that I hear can be a handful also.

I'm afraid I'm going to get to the point where I hate Sunday's again. Not because my testimony is waivering, but because it's exhausting. And I'm already exhausted from my own kids by the end of the week.

I'm really having a hard time being excited for this calling. I've tried to think about the positive. I've tried to remember, I'm not the only woman in the church, or in our ward for that matter, that has to get everyone to church by themselves. I'm not the only one called to Primary that's a stay at home mom. But I just can't seem to find even a glimmer of love...or even like for this calling right now. Is it okay that I want to do something besides be in the Primary at some point in my life. The only times I haven't been in primary is when I was in Young Womens as a Young Woman, when I was in a singles ward that had no primary, or when I was on my mission. And is it okay, that I feel this way? I feel so guilty for feeling this way. But I have just come through literally a year from HELL. Between a horrible pregnancy, to my parents leaving on a mission and then coming home with my Dad on his death bed, to being a nomad and moving 4 times, to having some heath issues that I'm still trying to deal with, I really just don't want to be in Primary right now.
I must have a big sign on my head that lights up especially when I'm new somewhere that says "Call April Howard into Primary." My question is, was this an "inspired calling" or was it simply, they had a calling that needed to be filled and they knew I would be there every week to fill it? I do think for calling like this especially, that's how it goes sometimes. Or was this inspired? I have prayed about this, trying to find some joy in being in Primary yet again, but I feel nothing. I don't know if it's because my feelings of Not wanting to do it so much overpowering my ability to receive any inspiration and comfort?

I don't know. What I do know, is that I will not turn down a calling like I said before. And so, like it or not, I have to do the best I can and hope it turns into something good. I really really hope it turns into something good---and soon! If anybody does read this, please pray for me. I'm really struggling with this!