I Am Not My Body...

**CAUTION**LONG POST AHEAD**
This post is probably going to be quite personal. However, I feel a need to write down how I feel so I can sort it all out-and of course what better place to do this than on a blog (for everyone to see) right?! I alway find things easier to dissect when they're written down. So, here it goes...

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. And when I say my ENTIRE life I truly mean, my ENTIRE life. I first remember going to weight watchers when I was 5 years old. I realize obesity in children these days is very common, but we are talking 25 years ago--when it wasn't so common. I don't recall that my parents filled the house with unhealthy snacks--if there were any snacks at all. My Dad was a graduate student and worked when he could, my mom was a school teacher, and they had three young children. They simply couldn't afford "junk food" back then. So how was a little 5 year old girl in a position to go to weight watchers already?

I spent my youth overweight, always self conscious, and always dreaming of a time when I could go to the store and find a cute outfit that fit perfectly, instead of shopping in the Women's Section. As if adolescence isn't hard enough right? Remember when Phen-Fen was on the market. It was a weight loss drug that was "the big thing" but it was only out for a short time. The FDA found serious side effects with it. When I was 15 I went to a "specialist" who was able to get me approved to take Phen-Fen. It was still fairly experimental and only offered to adults. So, at 15 I started this drug. And of course all in between these years I tried so hard to loose weight. I would find all these "miracle" diets and go on them--faithfully! I remember going on the cabbage soup diet, the fruit only diet (I ate so much pineapple on that my mouth bled for a week!), Atkins, starvation, etc. etc. The Phen-Fen may have helped me drop "a few pounds" but it made me a crazy person. Seriously it had some mental side effects for me. And it didn't matter, I wasn't on it too long before it was no longer available to me.

I was the brunt of many cruel and mean jokes because of my weight. I remember going on a trip for a week to The Isle of Man with several other classmates. I had no friends on the trip, and was often watched and mocked as we ate dinner. Needless to say, I ate very little during that week.

Changing High Schools twice and having two brothers who did not have weight issues--my other brother was alway tall and skinny, and my younger brother was a wrestler and in VERY good shape from all his activities, made me feel even worse about myself. I grew up with very little self esteem--despite my very supportive family.

My Senior year in high school (I HATED high school) was a turning point for me. I topped out at I think 320 pounds. I know many many people thought, and probably still think, and may think even reading this, that I was one of those girls who sat at home eating ice cream and potato chips all day long. That is NOT what I did, but I don't really feel like I have to explain myself at this point. Simply put, gaining weight, losing weight, feeling comfortable in my own skin has always been a trial for me.
So, at age 18 after lots of leg work, and Dr. appointments, and psychiatrists and nutritionists, etc, I was approved to have the gastric bypass surgery. FINALLY, something that might work for me.

I had surgery March 25 1999, during Spring Break of my Senior Year of high school. I wasn't quite 18 yet. Though I was so overweight, I was also very busy. I attended early morning seminary of course, and had school, and I worked probably close to 25 hours a week or more.

I had some complications after the surgery, but nothing too major, though it sure felt like it sometimes! However, a year or so after the surgery I was down a good 100 pounds or so, and I felt awesome! I continued to loose weight, though not as rapidly. Gastric Bypass not only makes your stomach smaller, but changes the way your body burns and uses calories. I feel to this day, this was the only option for me.

I left home and went to college, and I probably gained a few pounds back unfortunately. Weight Loss Surgery is a tool, not a cure all for the rest of your life.

Shortly after that, I left on a mission, where thanks to wanting to sleep more than eat if at all an option, walking or running at least 10 if not 15 miles a day, having to be very cautious about the food I ate, since many things did not agree with me still, along with being VERY careful not to get into the habit of eating the delicious pastries etc. I lost about 50 more pounds in that 18 months. I truly felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Well, not completely I guess. I would have loved to loose another 10 or 15 pounds, and then I would have been happy!

I came home, went back to school, a year later I married Bryant, and slowly the weight started to come on again. I was worried out of my mind. Finally, I went to a doctor and then to a nutritionist, after keeping a detailed food journal and wondering how I was gaining weight. She asked me if I was stressed. At the time, I was in a job that I HATED, and I was sick, physically sick all the time because of how stressful it was on me. She said "did you know stress can cause you to gain weight when nothing in your life--diet and exercise--has changed."

Anyway, I continued to work hard to be healthy. Working out, dieting, etc. I was able to maintain at best for a while. And then I got pregnant with Gracie. I was TERRIFIED of gaining weight. I planned to be one of those women who didn't gain anything, and then when the baby was born I'd be like 15 pounds lighter. I thought it was an excellent plan! But of course, that plan would only work in another universe! I gained like 40 pounds with my first pregnancy--despite my efforts to not! I even had my OB put me on the diet for gestational diabetic patients, but I still gained weight.

My next hope was to nurse the weight off. That's suppose to be the case right? WRONG AGAIN. I couldn't move a pound off of my body while I was nursing. Not a dang pound. It was awful! So, when Gracie was about 9 months old, I quite nursing her, and started a fairly intense workout program. I first started with a couch to 5K program and did three or four 5K's that summer. I joined a gym, got a daycare pass for Gracie, and after a few months joined a personal training group. I worked out 6 days a week for 2 hours a day, HARD workouts.

Thought I felt good for getting into shape, and I ate very healthy, and only 1600-1800 calories a day, I lost minimal weight. I would say I was lucky to have actually lost 10 pounds in 4 months--though my body did get smaller. I dropped at least a clothing size, it was minimal results for how incredibly hard I was working.

And then I got pregnant with Kate. Again, I was terrified that I would gain weight like I did with Gracie. I did gain less weight overall I think, but this time, it was post-pardom. I gained weight nursing Kate. I think this is when the stress induced weight gain comes in again. My Dad was extremely ill, we were moving from Oregon to Boise, Bryant was gone a lot during his first internship especially, we had to budget our money to the penny, I had a 2.5 year old and an infant, we were starting to look at job possibilities, another move was in our future, it was a stressful time.

Again, I had a gym membership and a child care pass, and I went faithfully. I joined weight watchers--it didn't work. I tried the HCG diet (where you only eat 500 calories a day and take this liquid under your tongue)--it didn't work. Though I didn't do the entire month of it, I had a raging headache everyday all day the entire time I was on it. It was more than I could bear some days, so I stopped.

Finally I went to the Dr. and asked him to test my thyroid and anything else that could be a culprit in not seeing any result to my efforts. Of course, he found nothing of significance, however, I have fasted and prayed for help in this area of my life. I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable with myself, and I do feel there are some things going on in my body that I cannot control. I just need to find a Dr. to help me figure it all out.

This summer has been a big one for our family. Bryant graduated for school with his Doctorate (no small feat), and we moved to South East Texas for our first post-school job/career to begin. Instead of being completely immersed in the excitement of the accomplishment that we've made as a family, and for our "life to finally begin" in a way, I have spent much of these special events dodging cameras, and knowing I had to be in some pictures, mentally gearing myself up to being in them, trying to feel like I don't look like a total slob, wondering if everyone that sees me sees what I see in the mirror (which, I'm sure is much worse in my mind than in all actuality, though I know it still looks bad), wondering if anyone would want a "fat" person as a friend in our new home in Texas, and in generally thinking that my entire self worth and the love I get from others is completely dependent on my physical appearance.

I realize this is not how I should feel, and in some ways, quite disturbing. However, I have also come to the conclusion that I have some internal things going on in my body that I have no control over. I don't want my kids to go through what I've been through, and have been pretty particular about healthy eating. Though I don't ban treats all together, I don't usually have a stash of candy or chips or cookies on hand either.

There are some things coming up this year--mostly a wedding in October--that I want so badly to not be self conscious at like I am now. However, I have a husband that loves me, and tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and I have two daughters that love me, and don't care how I look (even at 3 in the morning when it's really scary!), and I have parents and siblings who accept and love me no matter what the number on the scale says. I will be finding some Doctors (probably specialists--I'm pretty sure I have a hormone imbalance causing some of these issues, among other things) to work with. I will get a pass to the gym, and I will go faithfully. I will continue to watch what I eat, and I will hope that something works for me. In the meantime, I need to try and remember that....

I Am Not My Body

And hopefully someday (sooner than later) I will feel comfortable in my own skin. In the meantime, be patient with me--this has been a never ending trial for me, and it's really gotten the best of me lately!

FINALLY--A Place To Call Home

Well, we did it! We survived 3 years of grad school! Really, we've been looking forward to this for the past 6 1/2 years since we got married, but the last 3 have been the most intense, challenging, busy years of school by far. We also got all moved out of our Boise apartment (which I was seriously starting to wonder if that was ever going to happen!), AND we made the grueling 29 hour drive to Beaumont Texas!

Like I said, we've been looking forward to this for the past 6 1/2 years, which means we have known that everywhere we've lived has been "temporary" for us. The past 6 1/2 years have taken us from Rexburg, Idaho to Spokane, Washington to Springfield, Oregon to Boise, Idaho and finally to Beaumont, Texas. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to be the "new kids on the block" all the time. We've made some very special friends in every place that we've lived, having the church really makes life so much easier when you're nomads for a while! Still, knowing that we were not going to be staying in any of these places long term was hard. It was hard to leave good friends that we made, it's hard sometime to be willing to go up to random people and introduce yourself, and hope that they like you and want to be friends. It has been hard for Gracie as well. Last year when we moved to Springfield-she totally snapped. She's done better with this move, but she's still had some challenges with it I think.

We've been in Beaumont for almost 2 weeks now. Bryant is really enjoying his job so far, Gracie is doing really well, and LOVES nursery, I have been warmly welcomed in the ward here and have made some friends already. I think we are going to LOVE Beaumont! We're in an apartment for now, but we are looking at houses and assuming we still love it here in a few months, we are totally buying a house! It's SO SO nice to have Bryant completely done with school! It's an exciting time in our lives!

I think Mostly, it's feels nice to have a place to call HOME! So, if anyone ever wants to come visit, we plan on being here for a while!

A True Friend

Those of you who know me, would say I can get along pretty well with most people I think. I have moved around a lot, and especially the past few years, and I have made some really good friends everywhere we've been the last little while. Besides Bryant, my Mom and my Sister however, I have very very few really close, talk to them everyday, hang out whenever possible kind of friends. Not that I don't enjoy hanging out with everyone I am friends with, I'm talking more on the "best friend" kind of scale. I had one, possibly two friends in Spokane that fit this category, I had some really good ones in Springfield (that was a special place for me!), and I have found one here in Boise as well.
My friend Courtney has been someone I can really count on these past few months. Our kids get along so well together for one thing, but mostly, she is a true, loyal friend to me. I know I can ALWAYS count on her. She has never once flaked out on me, or even told me "no" that I can remember. Despite the fact that she has a 4 year old and a 9 month old herself, she has watched BOTH of my girls A LOT the past few weeks while I try and get packed. It's quite a chore to pack and move in the first place, it's next to impossible to do it with two little kids underfoot. And unfortunately Bryant has been gone studying for his ever so important Licensure exam, so the task of moving has been placed mostly on my shoulders once again.
I have really really really appreciated being able to drop my kids off at the spur of the moment, and then after a long, hot day of packing and going to pick up the girls, being able to take a nice cool swim in their pool! Tonight, despite not feeling well today, I even got dinner.
We have been lucky to be by our long time best friends Ryan and Carissa while here in Boise as well, and they have also helped a lot.
I hope I'm the kind of friend to others as Courtney (and Ryan and Carissa) have been to me. I'm going to miss you terribly once we move next week!

Graduation Announcement

The time has come for GRADUATION! YEAH--Finally! Many of you may be getting an announcement in the mail, but for those who didn't, Please know you are invited! We know most people will not be able to make a trip to Spokane for the actual graduation, so we are having an Open House of sorts in Bryant's honor in Boise/Kuna on June 18. This is a HUGE accomplishment, and one that has come with A LOT of sacrifice. I'm so proud of Bryant. This has been a very intense and busy program and he's juggled his school demands with his responsibilities as a husband and father wonderfully. If you're able to come and give him a much deserved congratulations, please stop by! We will be providing lunch, so I will just need to know an approximate number so we have enough food! Hope to see many of you soon!

Life As We Know It....CRAZY!

The past 6 weeks since my last post has been crazy. Crazier than normal--though crazy seems to be the normal for us these days. Soon, things will slow down, I hope. I'm starting to get really tired!

Anyway, Bryant has had LOTS of job opportunities to pursue, and at the end of April, we headed down to Beaumont Texas to check one of them out. My Mom, bless her heart, came to Boise to watch our girls while Bryant and I went on this little trip. I don't know what in the world I would do without my Mom right now. She is so willing to help us out, and she loves my girls so much. She made it possible for Bry and I to take this trip. Otherwise, I don't know what we would have done. The company paid for our trip down there. But it would have been a nightmare if we had to take the girls with us. Thanks Mom for always being someone I can count on!
Without boring you will all the details of the trip, I will simply say, we LOVED Texas! We loved that it's a small town, but close to a big city-(Houston). We loved the clinic that was hiring. The other PT's were great, very friendly. It's a very Christian oriented place, and we felt very excited about the prospect. Plus, they did have a really good offer for us-especially for being right out of school.
We talked about it, we prayed about it, we talked about other jobs that were interested in Bryant, we prayed some more. The next day before we headed back into Houston to catch our plane, we made the big decision...Beaumont Texas would be our new home. We dropped off our acceptance of the job, to which the other PT's were so excited! We felt good about our decision, and I'm glad to say we STILL feel good about it.

So, it's time to once again get out the moving boxes and pack up. Story of my life this past year. I'm ready to be settled for a while. We hope to love Beaumont and are planning on finally buying a house down there.

Bryant takes his big licensure exam June 28 and then we are heading down south. We can't wait for the new adventures that await us down there, the fun places we will get to visit, the paycheck that we will finally get again, and making new friends and finding opportunities to serve them down there!

A Tribute to the '20's

Today is my birthday. I say this, NOT to have a big deal made about it, I say it more as a "I have come to terms with the fact that it is in fact my birthday" kind of attitude! Today, I turn the BIG 3-0. I don't quite know how this happened! I mean where in the world did the time go? I remember (and it doesn't seem like that long ago) that someone "in their 30's" was really getting up there!
I will admit, I've kind of been dreading today for a few months now. However, I was talking to my sister a few weeks ago and telling her how kind of sad I was that I was going to be 30 years old. And she said "April, you OWN your 30 years! You've accomplished so much. You have served a mission, gotten married, graduated from college, help your husband almost finish his Doctorate degree, and you have 2 beautiful kids. How on earth can you be sad about being 30?" At first, I thought--yeah, easy for you to say Kristin! You're only 22. You have 8 years left in your 20's! But then after a while, I thought, you know she's right! If I want to stay 25 or even 29 forever, I won't accomplish anything else in my life. And I am proud of what I have done in the last 10 years!

And so, I have decided to have a little "Tribute to my 20's" post..mostly for me, but I hope you all enjoy as well!

Here is goes:

20 years old: I left home for the first time after completing 2 years of college in California and went to Rexburg to attend BYU-Idaho. It was that first semester that I actually met Bryant! (Though there was nothing romantic there until after our missions, we became pretty good friends!)

21 years old: I left on a full time 18 month mission to Belgium, France and the Netherlands! It was a scary yet very exciting time in my life, and to this day, one of the best, most life changing choices I have ever made!

22 years old: Still on my mission for most of my 22 year, I learned French fluently (mostly because I lived with native french speaking sisters for quite a while who were very patient with me and help me perfect the language!), I met some of my best friends during this time (my missionary sister soul mates, I got to be companions with some of the best girls in the world, and I still love them all to pieces!, My testimony of my Savior grew more than anytime before and possibly since during this time as I learned to rely 100% on him for guidance and peace. I got to live in 2 of the most beautiful countries in the world (Belgium and France--and I realize I may be a little biased!) Yes, 22 was a good year!

*As a side note, I will also add that Bryant was also on his mission at the same time as I was and we wrote back and forth to each other (just as friends) the entire time. I would say through our letters and shared experiences, we became very very good, almost best friends during this time as well!

23 years old: I started school again at BYU-Idaho, but most importantly, Bryant and I got married! At this point, we truly were best friends! BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE! I hope he feels the same!

24 years old: I graduated from BYU-Idaho with a Bachelor's Degree in Business Management/Finance!

25 years old: Nothing extraordinary happened this year except I worked full time to get Bryant through school so he didn't have to work. We knew graduate school was in our future and I wanted to do everything I could to help Bryant do as well as he could in his undergrad so he would have his choice of grad schools! And he did! This meant working at Melaleuca, which I HATED, but it paid decently enough and I learned A LOT about what I do and do not want to do! I also appreciated the job I got working for the City of Rexburg after that a lot more!

26 years old: I continued working full time and being Bryant's "sugar mama" as it's called! Bryant graduated from BYU-Idaho himself with a very high GPA (which I will let myself take some credit for since I tried very hard to make sure he didn't have to support us during this time!) We also went through a period of infertility, which was difficult, but in the end, made us stronger as a couple and made me more compassionate towards others. And, I did in fact find out when I was 26 that I was pregnant and motherhood was soon going to be upon me!

27 years old: I (finally) became a Mother! My little Gracie girl was born, and she is still such a joy in my life! Bryant also started his Physical Therapy program and we moved from little Rexburg to Spokane!

28 years old: I survived my first year of motherhood/single-parenthood (since poor Bryant was so so so busy with school all the time), that being said, I also survived our first year of grad school! Oh, and I was still 28 when I found out baby #2 was on her way!

29 years old: Honestly, this was a difficult year in many ways. I was so very sick with my pregnancy. My sister left on a mission to Virginia, my parents received a mission call to Mongolia, we had to move to Oregon and then to Boise all within a few months of each other, my sister got very ill and had to come home from her mission, and my Dad also got life threateningly ill and they also had to return home from their mission where he spent 9 weeks in the hospital. Not fun!
However, I learned how to look for the positive in everything. I made a journal or letters for my parents that I was going to give them when they got home from their mission (little did I know they'd be home so soon!) and I wanted to stay really positive in them. So, I was constantly finding the good in something every week so I would have a good uplifting entry to put in this book I made them! I learned A LOT from this!
Most importantly, my sweet beautiful Baby Kate was born, and she has proven to be such a blessing! I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much my two girls love each other! It's a privilege to be their Mother!

Bryant and I had a good time traveling and hitting up lots of baseball games during this time as well! We went to Seattle, Denver, Phoenix, San Francisco, (of course So. Cali where my parents lived several times), to hit new baseball stadiums! We enjoyed our time together before the kiddos came along. But we're enjoying our time together with 4 of us instead of just 2 even more!

And so, I can see, the 20's were good to me! I accomplished a lot, I learned a lot, I worked hard, I played even harder, and life is just darn good! I'm looking forward to what the 30's have in store for me!

Tea Party

So, the latest thing for Gracie is to have Tea Parties. I don't even know where she got the idea really, but my Mom had this darling tea pot (she got in England when we lived there) that she got out so we could have some tea parties! We taught Gracie the "I'm a little tea pot" song, and she LOVED pouring the "tea" for everyone and then doing the cheers thing with the tea cups! I only got pictures of the first tea party we had, but Bryant and Kristin were such good sports, they joined us for the others we had! When we got home she wanted to keep having tea parties so bad, I went and found a little tea pot and we've had several since we've been home! She loves them!