Freedom and Appreciation

Many of you know I have a brother who has been deployed to Iraq for the past 13 months. He left before his youngest boy turned one. He will (hopefully be home) by the time he turns two. He and his family have made a HUGE sacrifice for well over a year now, while he does what he's asked to fight the war on terrorism. I haven't personally talked with Troy at all since his departure. I have however, kept up on how he's doing, and where he's at the best I could. I have heard from my Sister in law and my nephews a bit. This deployment has been hard for them. Bethany (Troy's wife) has had to be a single parent. She's had to not only care for her children, but she's also had to deal with feelings of loneliness, fear, sadness, etc. I always HATE it when Bryant is gone, and he's only ever left for a few days at a time, and it's never been to a place where he would be in harms way. I can only imagine what the past 13 months have been like for Bethany and their boys. I write about this because this is a historic day. It's a day that will always be remembered, reverenced, thought about for years to come. This day 10 years ago, this nation was attacked, and from that tragedy, came a kind of UNITY that was indeed very special.

A few days ago, my sister in law received an email. This person basically said that she always hears people say how grateful they are for the military, specifically the troops deployed overseas. She then asked, WHY she should be grateful to them. She didn't understand how they were protecting her freedom. Her question, Bethany said was sincere, but it was hard to find a response.

Troy responded to this question. I thought he said it so beautifully, and he hit the nail right on the head. This is his response:

"Throughout my deployment to Iraq I pondered the questions “what am I doing here?” and “What is the point?” I wondered if our being in Iraq was really making a safer America. I do not know if what we did really impacted the United States and frankly I am uninterested in having some political debate on the matter.
I have however come to some conclusions. The United States have undoubtedly fought some seemingly pointless wars. One might say that in recent history we fought such a war to the tune of 60,000 American lives. I am of course speaking of Vietnam.
Whether our military is engaged in a seemingly pointless conflict or one with substance and true meaning such as WWII is not the point. It matters not if the 116BCT made a difference in keeping America Safe. The fact is that men and women are willing to put on their uniform that will always stand for freedom and answer the call of their government leaders. We do not sit back and debate the matter nor do we decline to go because we do not feel it is making an impact or it is a pointless engagement.
The men and women of the United States Military answer the call and will always answer the call regardless of a complete understanding on the matter casting their individual feelings aside. This is what we admire and appreciate about the armed forces.
We have the greatest military in the world. While other militaries are weak and influenced by corrupt generals or drug lords we enjoy a military that is bound by the rules and laws set forth by the constitution and enforced by congress. This is why it is so important that we ponder and search out our political leadership. The armed forces answer the call of the government and the government is elected for the people by the people.
So why do we admire the military when they are engaged in a conflict that one may disagree with or find pointless? We admire them not for the conflict they are associated with but for their willingness to stand at a post with a watchful eye as quite often unappreciated guardians of freedom."

So today especially I would like to give the most sincere THANK YOU to ALL the men and women of the armed forces. To all those who have served, who are still serving and who will serve, To those have given their lives, and to those willing to give their lives if necessary, for those who willingly "stand at a post with a watchful eye" and act as "guardians of freedom" so that my children can grow up in a country where we enjoy Freedom----I APPRECIATE YOU! I appreciate the sacrifice you AND your families have made, are making and will make for mine! May we always remember and never forget, Freedom is not free, and keeping freedom is not free either.

One Year, and Stake Conference

Wow, it was a year ago today that we left Spokane and began our adventures of moving from place to place in anticipation of Bryant's final year of grad school to conclude. SO much has happened in the past 12 months, it seems like a million years ago in so many ways.

This past year has been the most trying and stressful of my life that I can remember. I has been filled with wonderful new friends, and life changing events and experiences as well, that's for sure, but to be completely honest, I'm glad this past year is over! Stress and Anxiety have been such a constant in my life this past year, that I'm having a hard time snapping out of it. I feel so uptight and on edge all the time, and to be honest I don't really know why.

However...

We just had a WONDERFUL Stake Conference this weekend. By far the best I have ever attended. Elder Jeffrey R Holland was here--a real treat for the Saints here in the little towns of South East Texas, and not something that happens all that often! We got a new Stake Presidency today, which was a very spiritual event in and of itself, as we got to hear the words of the out-going Stake President who has served for 10 1/2 years in that calling, and who is so obviously loved, admired and respected by the people in this Stake; and the words of the new Stake President who is absolutely the man the Lord has called to fulfill this assignment.

Elder Holland spoke to us about Trials. I felt like he was talking just to me. I do feel I have done the absolute best I could possibly have done dealing with the difficulties, craziness, and down right hard things that have come up this past year. However, I NEEDED to hear what Elder Holland said. I NEEDED to understand the Atonement is something I need to use more in my life. The Atonement is NOT just to be used when you've sinned. It's to be used in all aspects of life--especially our trials! I hope I can put his counsel into action more in my life.

So--as glad as I am that the past 12 months are "past" I am grateful so much for the things I have learned. The growth that has come, and the the strengthening of my faith and testimony. My trials are not over. Like I said, I feel like I'm having a hard time snapping out of my constant state of stress and anxiety. However, I know I'm suppose to learn something from this. And as Elder Holland said in his talk Saturday night:

"Endure, and look forward to Days of Happiness ahead!" These are definitely words for us all to live by!

Happy Birthday Gracie Girl!

Well, our little Gracie finally turned 3! I've been saying that she's 3 for a while, but now it's official! Bryant and I waited for her to join our family for so long, and it seems like the last three years have gone by in a flash in some ways! On the other hand, I almost can't remember life without her.

Gracie has been SO SO SO excited for her birthday, She got really into birthdays about 4 or 5 months ago, and the reality of HER having her own birthday was just so wonderful to her! She's been talking about what she wanted to do for her birthday for over a month now, and the last week or so, she's gotten up in the middle of the night to ask if it was her birthday yet. It was nice for her to plan her own birthday really....All we had to do was what she wanted...which was all very doable, so it worked out great, and she had a fabulous birthday weekend!

On Saturday we left early to go to the Houston Zoo. She's been wanted to go to the zoo since we got here. We had so much fun, especially because one of my very favorite mission companions and her husband and two very cute little boys just moved to the Houston area, and they met us as the zoo! Gracie LOVED having friends with her, and I loved catching up with my old blast from the past! I'm so excited they live so close now!

Anyway, we spent over 4 hours at the zoo. Here are some of the fun pictures Bryant took with his fancy new camera!

Brushing the goat at the petting zoo area. A miracle--she usually freaks out if they get too close to her!



Playing the Drums with Spencer and Josh



Could it be a match made in heaven? I'd totally be okay with that!



My sweet little Kate! She was such a trooper!



The Birthday Girl! Isn't she Cute?!



The Chimps



I just thought this was funny! She didn't get just putting her face in the hole!



Thanks Shauna, Richard, Spencer and Josh for coming to the zoo with us!

After the zoo, we went to our hotel. And we all took showers, because we were literally drenched from the hot humid SouthEast Texas weather! And the girls took a much needed nap!

And THEN...we went to a pre-season football game! Something else Gracie really wanted to do (as long as popcorn was involved at the game) and something Bryant was more than happy to make happen for her! We saw the Texans and the Saints play. It was fun!

A picture of the field!



Gracie and her Daddy



Gracie and her Mommy



We were all EXHAUSTED once the days was over. But it was a dream come true for the Birthday Girl, and it was worth every minute of it!

We drove back early Sunday morning in time for (most of) church. And then we had homemade cupcakes decorated with sprinkles and Cinderella toys, and she got to open her presents.

Ready to Blow out the Candles



Opening Presents with her friend Aubrey



Her new bike! She's been asking for a bike for a while now. She's excited to go ride it tonight! (It's gonna be our FHE activity!)



I think Gracie had a very memorable, fun, wonderful 3rd Birthday!

We sure love you Gracie Girl! I just don't know how we ever lived without you! Happy Birthday!

I Love to See the Temple...

This past Saturday, Bryant and I had the opportunity to go to the Houston Temple and do a session for the first time. It was really nice to go, and it's always fun to visit a new Temple! The High Priest Group in our ward "sponsored" this temple trip. We all met at the Temple and they had people there to watch our kids while we did a session. What a nice service! I really appreciated it, and I'm glad so many families took advantage of the opportunity.

After the session as I was in the Celestial Room waiting for Bryant, I noticed a young man who had just taken out his own endowments. There were TONS of people there in support of him, and he had the biggest smile on his face. It was obvious that he was loved by his ward family. I wondered what this man's story was. He was there without family (he was the only black man in the session), and he was not old, but not 19 either. I wondered if he was perhaps a convert to the church who was ready to leave on a mission himself.
Seeing him made me think of the first time I went through the Temple. It was a little over 9 years ago for me. It was a little overwhelming for sure, but as I've gone back to the Temple over these past 9 years, I've come to have a deep love and appreciation for the covenants and promises made there. It's because of the Temple marriage that Bryant and I have that allows our family to be together for eternity. I went through the Temple in preparation to serving a mission of course. I also had a lot of supporters from my home ward attend with me, as well as my parents of course. Living in Southern California, we were assigned to the San Diego Temple--one of the most beautiful in my opinion. I vividly recall a sweet worker coming and speaking to me and telling me how grateful she was for my desire and willingness to serve the Lord as a missionary. She shared her own conversion story and was so very grateful for the missionaries that brought the gospel to her. She then turned to my Mom and said she was equally grateful for the Mothers that raised these young men and women that would be missionaries all over the world, and who were willing to send them off for 18 months to 2 years. It's a sweet memory for me.

I learned that this young man was not going on a mission, but had joined the church about a year ago and was simply going through the Temple to further his progression in the church. What a fantastic conversion story!

Afterwards, we picked the girls up, and walked around the Temple with them for a few minutes, and Bryant got to try out his new camera! We then headed straight to Minute Maid Park to watch the Astros and Brewers play. It was a really wonderful Saturday!

I Am Not My Body...

**CAUTION**LONG POST AHEAD**
This post is probably going to be quite personal. However, I feel a need to write down how I feel so I can sort it all out-and of course what better place to do this than on a blog (for everyone to see) right?! I alway find things easier to dissect when they're written down. So, here it goes...

I have struggled with my weight my entire life. And when I say my ENTIRE life I truly mean, my ENTIRE life. I first remember going to weight watchers when I was 5 years old. I realize obesity in children these days is very common, but we are talking 25 years ago--when it wasn't so common. I don't recall that my parents filled the house with unhealthy snacks--if there were any snacks at all. My Dad was a graduate student and worked when he could, my mom was a school teacher, and they had three young children. They simply couldn't afford "junk food" back then. So how was a little 5 year old girl in a position to go to weight watchers already?

I spent my youth overweight, always self conscious, and always dreaming of a time when I could go to the store and find a cute outfit that fit perfectly, instead of shopping in the Women's Section. As if adolescence isn't hard enough right? Remember when Phen-Fen was on the market. It was a weight loss drug that was "the big thing" but it was only out for a short time. The FDA found serious side effects with it. When I was 15 I went to a "specialist" who was able to get me approved to take Phen-Fen. It was still fairly experimental and only offered to adults. So, at 15 I started this drug. And of course all in between these years I tried so hard to loose weight. I would find all these "miracle" diets and go on them--faithfully! I remember going on the cabbage soup diet, the fruit only diet (I ate so much pineapple on that my mouth bled for a week!), Atkins, starvation, etc. etc. The Phen-Fen may have helped me drop "a few pounds" but it made me a crazy person. Seriously it had some mental side effects for me. And it didn't matter, I wasn't on it too long before it was no longer available to me.

I was the brunt of many cruel and mean jokes because of my weight. I remember going on a trip for a week to The Isle of Man with several other classmates. I had no friends on the trip, and was often watched and mocked as we ate dinner. Needless to say, I ate very little during that week.

Changing High Schools twice and having two brothers who did not have weight issues--my other brother was alway tall and skinny, and my younger brother was a wrestler and in VERY good shape from all his activities, made me feel even worse about myself. I grew up with very little self esteem--despite my very supportive family.

My Senior year in high school (I HATED high school) was a turning point for me. I topped out at I think 320 pounds. I know many many people thought, and probably still think, and may think even reading this, that I was one of those girls who sat at home eating ice cream and potato chips all day long. That is NOT what I did, but I don't really feel like I have to explain myself at this point. Simply put, gaining weight, losing weight, feeling comfortable in my own skin has always been a trial for me.
So, at age 18 after lots of leg work, and Dr. appointments, and psychiatrists and nutritionists, etc, I was approved to have the gastric bypass surgery. FINALLY, something that might work for me.

I had surgery March 25 1999, during Spring Break of my Senior Year of high school. I wasn't quite 18 yet. Though I was so overweight, I was also very busy. I attended early morning seminary of course, and had school, and I worked probably close to 25 hours a week or more.

I had some complications after the surgery, but nothing too major, though it sure felt like it sometimes! However, a year or so after the surgery I was down a good 100 pounds or so, and I felt awesome! I continued to loose weight, though not as rapidly. Gastric Bypass not only makes your stomach smaller, but changes the way your body burns and uses calories. I feel to this day, this was the only option for me.

I left home and went to college, and I probably gained a few pounds back unfortunately. Weight Loss Surgery is a tool, not a cure all for the rest of your life.

Shortly after that, I left on a mission, where thanks to wanting to sleep more than eat if at all an option, walking or running at least 10 if not 15 miles a day, having to be very cautious about the food I ate, since many things did not agree with me still, along with being VERY careful not to get into the habit of eating the delicious pastries etc. I lost about 50 more pounds in that 18 months. I truly felt comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. Well, not completely I guess. I would have loved to loose another 10 or 15 pounds, and then I would have been happy!

I came home, went back to school, a year later I married Bryant, and slowly the weight started to come on again. I was worried out of my mind. Finally, I went to a doctor and then to a nutritionist, after keeping a detailed food journal and wondering how I was gaining weight. She asked me if I was stressed. At the time, I was in a job that I HATED, and I was sick, physically sick all the time because of how stressful it was on me. She said "did you know stress can cause you to gain weight when nothing in your life--diet and exercise--has changed."

Anyway, I continued to work hard to be healthy. Working out, dieting, etc. I was able to maintain at best for a while. And then I got pregnant with Gracie. I was TERRIFIED of gaining weight. I planned to be one of those women who didn't gain anything, and then when the baby was born I'd be like 15 pounds lighter. I thought it was an excellent plan! But of course, that plan would only work in another universe! I gained like 40 pounds with my first pregnancy--despite my efforts to not! I even had my OB put me on the diet for gestational diabetic patients, but I still gained weight.

My next hope was to nurse the weight off. That's suppose to be the case right? WRONG AGAIN. I couldn't move a pound off of my body while I was nursing. Not a dang pound. It was awful! So, when Gracie was about 9 months old, I quite nursing her, and started a fairly intense workout program. I first started with a couch to 5K program and did three or four 5K's that summer. I joined a gym, got a daycare pass for Gracie, and after a few months joined a personal training group. I worked out 6 days a week for 2 hours a day, HARD workouts.

Thought I felt good for getting into shape, and I ate very healthy, and only 1600-1800 calories a day, I lost minimal weight. I would say I was lucky to have actually lost 10 pounds in 4 months--though my body did get smaller. I dropped at least a clothing size, it was minimal results for how incredibly hard I was working.

And then I got pregnant with Kate. Again, I was terrified that I would gain weight like I did with Gracie. I did gain less weight overall I think, but this time, it was post-pardom. I gained weight nursing Kate. I think this is when the stress induced weight gain comes in again. My Dad was extremely ill, we were moving from Oregon to Boise, Bryant was gone a lot during his first internship especially, we had to budget our money to the penny, I had a 2.5 year old and an infant, we were starting to look at job possibilities, another move was in our future, it was a stressful time.

Again, I had a gym membership and a child care pass, and I went faithfully. I joined weight watchers--it didn't work. I tried the HCG diet (where you only eat 500 calories a day and take this liquid under your tongue)--it didn't work. Though I didn't do the entire month of it, I had a raging headache everyday all day the entire time I was on it. It was more than I could bear some days, so I stopped.

Finally I went to the Dr. and asked him to test my thyroid and anything else that could be a culprit in not seeing any result to my efforts. Of course, he found nothing of significance, however, I have fasted and prayed for help in this area of my life. I want to be healthy, and I want to feel comfortable with myself, and I do feel there are some things going on in my body that I cannot control. I just need to find a Dr. to help me figure it all out.

This summer has been a big one for our family. Bryant graduated for school with his Doctorate (no small feat), and we moved to South East Texas for our first post-school job/career to begin. Instead of being completely immersed in the excitement of the accomplishment that we've made as a family, and for our "life to finally begin" in a way, I have spent much of these special events dodging cameras, and knowing I had to be in some pictures, mentally gearing myself up to being in them, trying to feel like I don't look like a total slob, wondering if everyone that sees me sees what I see in the mirror (which, I'm sure is much worse in my mind than in all actuality, though I know it still looks bad), wondering if anyone would want a "fat" person as a friend in our new home in Texas, and in generally thinking that my entire self worth and the love I get from others is completely dependent on my physical appearance.

I realize this is not how I should feel, and in some ways, quite disturbing. However, I have also come to the conclusion that I have some internal things going on in my body that I have no control over. I don't want my kids to go through what I've been through, and have been pretty particular about healthy eating. Though I don't ban treats all together, I don't usually have a stash of candy or chips or cookies on hand either.

There are some things coming up this year--mostly a wedding in October--that I want so badly to not be self conscious at like I am now. However, I have a husband that loves me, and tells me constantly how beautiful I am, and I have two daughters that love me, and don't care how I look (even at 3 in the morning when it's really scary!), and I have parents and siblings who accept and love me no matter what the number on the scale says. I will be finding some Doctors (probably specialists--I'm pretty sure I have a hormone imbalance causing some of these issues, among other things) to work with. I will get a pass to the gym, and I will go faithfully. I will continue to watch what I eat, and I will hope that something works for me. In the meantime, I need to try and remember that....

I Am Not My Body

And hopefully someday (sooner than later) I will feel comfortable in my own skin. In the meantime, be patient with me--this has been a never ending trial for me, and it's really gotten the best of me lately!

FINALLY--A Place To Call Home

Well, we did it! We survived 3 years of grad school! Really, we've been looking forward to this for the past 6 1/2 years since we got married, but the last 3 have been the most intense, challenging, busy years of school by far. We also got all moved out of our Boise apartment (which I was seriously starting to wonder if that was ever going to happen!), AND we made the grueling 29 hour drive to Beaumont Texas!

Like I said, we've been looking forward to this for the past 6 1/2 years, which means we have known that everywhere we've lived has been "temporary" for us. The past 6 1/2 years have taken us from Rexburg, Idaho to Spokane, Washington to Springfield, Oregon to Boise, Idaho and finally to Beaumont, Texas. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to be the "new kids on the block" all the time. We've made some very special friends in every place that we've lived, having the church really makes life so much easier when you're nomads for a while! Still, knowing that we were not going to be staying in any of these places long term was hard. It was hard to leave good friends that we made, it's hard sometime to be willing to go up to random people and introduce yourself, and hope that they like you and want to be friends. It has been hard for Gracie as well. Last year when we moved to Springfield-she totally snapped. She's done better with this move, but she's still had some challenges with it I think.

We've been in Beaumont for almost 2 weeks now. Bryant is really enjoying his job so far, Gracie is doing really well, and LOVES nursery, I have been warmly welcomed in the ward here and have made some friends already. I think we are going to LOVE Beaumont! We're in an apartment for now, but we are looking at houses and assuming we still love it here in a few months, we are totally buying a house! It's SO SO nice to have Bryant completely done with school! It's an exciting time in our lives!

I think Mostly, it's feels nice to have a place to call HOME! So, if anyone ever wants to come visit, we plan on being here for a while!

A True Friend

Those of you who know me, would say I can get along pretty well with most people I think. I have moved around a lot, and especially the past few years, and I have made some really good friends everywhere we've been the last little while. Besides Bryant, my Mom and my Sister however, I have very very few really close, talk to them everyday, hang out whenever possible kind of friends. Not that I don't enjoy hanging out with everyone I am friends with, I'm talking more on the "best friend" kind of scale. I had one, possibly two friends in Spokane that fit this category, I had some really good ones in Springfield (that was a special place for me!), and I have found one here in Boise as well.
My friend Courtney has been someone I can really count on these past few months. Our kids get along so well together for one thing, but mostly, she is a true, loyal friend to me. I know I can ALWAYS count on her. She has never once flaked out on me, or even told me "no" that I can remember. Despite the fact that she has a 4 year old and a 9 month old herself, she has watched BOTH of my girls A LOT the past few weeks while I try and get packed. It's quite a chore to pack and move in the first place, it's next to impossible to do it with two little kids underfoot. And unfortunately Bryant has been gone studying for his ever so important Licensure exam, so the task of moving has been placed mostly on my shoulders once again.
I have really really really appreciated being able to drop my kids off at the spur of the moment, and then after a long, hot day of packing and going to pick up the girls, being able to take a nice cool swim in their pool! Tonight, despite not feeling well today, I even got dinner.
We have been lucky to be by our long time best friends Ryan and Carissa while here in Boise as well, and they have also helped a lot.
I hope I'm the kind of friend to others as Courtney (and Ryan and Carissa) have been to me. I'm going to miss you terribly once we move next week!